I think I've wrung out the problems DB and I are having into one issue really...everything else is possibly work-on-able, but the make or break thing (after some observation last night), is a respect issue. I don't think I can be with someone who will listen to me say: "I'm not comfortable with this" and then say, "But telling me not to do it is going to make it irresistible to me, so I have to do it." (This is the conversation we've had in the past.)
I can be ok with a female friendship, but I don't think I should have to be ok with the way high spirits in said friendship turn into wrestling matches.
I haven't hashed this one out completely with him yet, but back in the beginning of summer when I was trying to set boundaries, Miss K pointed out that DB and I flirt with everyone. Crap. We do. And I crawl into girls' laps when I'm a bit into the wine. ...usually, they are my friends, not DB's friends, and ah...crawling into Bosie's lap makes having the above conversation difficult...without including her.
That's the wacky part here. I want their interactions to change, but she has to know why too, I think. ...also setting boundaries for him/them means setting boundaries for me.
I can't say: You don't get to be attracted to this person, when I enjoy playing with that attraction all cat and mouse. (Not that you can say: you can't be attracted to this person. It doesn't work that way. Believe me, I've tried to tell myself the same thing.) The point here is...we're still being reactionary. He flaunts his freedom to play (essentially) catch-and-kiss, so I react by playing up the titillation of the two girls fantasy which will go nowhere. Wicked. Evil cycle of pettiness and juvenility.
Adulthood is tricky this way, and I think that's what drives me super bats about this whole thing--yesterday's whole thing. There was a collegiate feel to the evening...that started earlier in the day when L, Bosie and I were sitting on the floor like dorm-mates having a lovely afternoon. We made cupcakes. We colored. We had grilled cheese. We talked about "what we want to be when we grow up". ...of course, we also talked about Batman...which in this circle is the equivalent of talking about boys.
DB's arrival changed the dynamic, but it stayed very college-party. (And the girls, bless them, don't know that things should be different.) Bosie and L like to play little tricks on him; he teases (often like an older brother). He shows off the things he's doing that will get the fangirls squeeing. Lovely girls with whom I have shared a quiet afternoon are reduced to DB's little ego-boosting squad. And they become a little exclusive, though not so bad as it was three months ago. (I think I have a little loyalty from L, after all. She notices things, is observant. Is wise for her age.)
I don't know a compromisey way out of this one...well, I do, but it's up to someone who is afraid that growing up means no fun. My half has already been completed: not walking out/saying outright NO to Bosie. The rest is out of my hands, but for the conversation that needs to happen.
I want us to just be able to have a good time without over-analyzing everything, and I don't feel like boundaries and fun should be mutually exclusive. At least I finally feel like (after nearly a month of break from high-spirits event-friendship) that DB and I are in a place where talking about this is possible.
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